Have you ever felt torn between people-pleasing or being a jerk, not knowing how to be neither?

I've written about this topic a few times, but this email is the start of a series on why that happens, how to build self-respect without losing care for others—and how to be kind without betraying yourself.

It's often said that wisdom is the ability to hold two or more (seemingly) opposing truths or perspectives at the same time, without forcing a way to logically resolve them, and without losing our ability to function.

This second part—"without losing our ability to function"—is interesting to me. Because it shows that, as we'll soon see, emotional regulation is an essential enabler of wisdom.

(It's precisely when we feel emotionally overwhelmed that we cling to polarized opinions, for example. Seeing the world in black and white makes it easier to navigate, and therefore safer. But I digress!)

This definition of wisdom applies to the topic of today as well:

How can we simultaneously honor our own desires, needs and boundaries and those of others—especially when they can often appear to be in direct conflict?

(It also applies to me right now: Can I accept that using an em dash in that sentence felt right, while also understanding it will make people think my writing is AI? But I digress again!)

The Fallacy

When we are kids, we haven’t developed the capacity for emotional nuance yet.

So when social tension arises, we tend to fall into binary strategies to maintain belonging. Some of us do this by agreeing, pleasing, accommodating or hiding. Others by learning to take up space fast and hard.

But these same strategies that kept us safe or included in childhood can block intimacy in adult relationships.

If we haven't learned how to honor our truth and feel secure in connection, how can we ever be fully loved as we are—or love freely, without needing to please?

At some point most of us just accept these strategies as part of who we are ("That's me, I'm brutally honest." or "I care too much about others and need to learn to love myself.")

But you are not defined by how you behave. The way you show up socially has nothing to do with how you are. It's just how you've learned to relate so far.

Furthermore (a word that makes me sound important, if you'll indulge me!), these behaviors aren't mutually inclusive.

You don’t need to pick between being a doormat or a bulldozer. There’s a way to be assertive without being cold. And to be caring without abandoning yourself.

The Framework

There's a framework I learned while training with ART International that can help you find a centered place that helps you be assertive without being aggressive, and kind without being compliant.

The way they visualized these frameworks made things so clear to me, that I kept iterating and innovating on it. Which is one of the reasons I'm writing this series. There's a lot to discover here that can help you calibrate the way we show up in life, relationships, leadership and conflict.

At the heart of relational presence are two qualities:

1) Dignity: “I matter.” (I don't need to make myself smaller than you.)

2) Humility: “You matter.” (I don't need to make myself bigger than you.)

If we have dignity without humility, we take the last piece of cake without asking. We speak confidently, but don’t listen like the other person's words carry any weight.

If we have humility without dignity, we ask who wants the last piece when we're the only one who didn't have seconds yet. We listen intently to othrs, but don't see the worth of our reply (and may not even speak it).

Now, what I just said isn’t entirely true.

Dignity and humility can’t exist in a person without each other.

To be humble requires dignity, a knowing that bowing to another doesn’t lower our own value.

And to have dignity requires humility. Because if we wouldn't acknowledge that others hold some potential degree of power over us, there’s no need to advocate for ourselves, no boundaries to uphold.

But what happens when we can’t access dignity or humility? What if we feel too blocked to act assertive or humble?

That’s when we fall into their shadows:

Posture: Compensating for a lack of real dignity by creating it through force or arrogance.

Collapse: Distorted humility rooted in self-denial or defeat.

Posture and collapse are survival mechanisms. They protect us when we feel unsafe and can't access dignity or humility.

Posture looks like:

• "I don't give a fuck"
• Aggressive boundaries
• Needing to win the argument
• Bragging or talking over people
• Red-pill movement, extreme feminism
• Dismissing others to feel better about ourselves

Collapse looks like:

• Freezing
• ​Stockholm syndrome​
• Saying yes when you mean no
• Minimizing or ignoring your needs
• Withdrawing instead of speaking up
• "Good vibes only" woo woo people, tinfoil-hat conspiracists

Just like dignity and humility rely on each other, posture and collapse are inseparable too.

When we act overly tough, it's a protective shell around feeling overwhelmed and powerless.

And at the heart of collapse is a quiet voice: “Do what you want. You can’t hurt me anymore.”

How to Shift Out of Posture and Collapse

The first challenge is learning to notice this in ourselves, especially while it is happening.

Even now there are often times I realize I've been posturing at the end of the night. But there are ways to learn to catch it faster (see this thread)—and it gets better the more we practice (if you want help with this, just reply to this email with "I'm in" and I'll send you the invite for the Connection Dojo).

One of the things that make these things extra hard to notice in ourselves is that we tend to believe things are personality traits when they are actually expressions of our nervous system states.

Labels like “I’m a people-pleaser” or “I’m just brutally honest” make it harder to access healthy dignity—because they reduce nervous system patterns (like posture and collapse) to personality traits.

If you think your state of emotional collapse is who you are, it’s can seem impossible to shift out of it.

So what if you drop the label?

You’re not a “people-pleaser” or a “well-meaning asshole”. You’re a human with a body responding to a perceived threat (e.g. a new group environment, or the threat of a partnr leaving) through posture (“you don’t matter”) or collapse (“I don’t matter”).

Let's say you've successfully noticed that you were in a state of posture or collapse.

What do you do next?

• Increasing your degree of presence in this moment will help your dignity and humility come back online.
• Finding ways to decrease reactivity (e.g. mentally slowing down, pausing) will move you away from collapse and posture.

The mature form of holding both dignity and humility simultaneously is called "equanimity".

This is the quality we embody when we can access the wisdom that humility and dignity are not opposite to each other.

It’s not a performance and it doesn't require perfect balance.

Just the capacity to honor your worth and theirs at the same time—so you can speak honestly, and stay in connection while you do.

Posture, collapse, dignity, humility and equanimity aren't just metaphors for how we relate. They're actual physical states.

Collapse and posture happen when we're outside of our nervous system's window of tolerance—when it no longer feels safe to stay open and grounded.

"Wait...what's a window of tolerance?"

I'm glad you asked, here's a visual on how to know you're out of it, and how you can expand it:

One reason becoming more present to the current moment can return us to equanimity is that it always widens our window of tolerance:

We slow down. Feel the body. Notice thoughts and emotions. We experience a reminder of reality: I’m here. I’m alive.

(This may sound stupid, but it is indeed the case that when we are past dysregulated, we do not feel fully here, and our bodies fears that we might not be alive. For example: For most of history, social isolation or exclusion did mean we would die. Because human bodies aren't made to survive alone.)

With time, as we consciously increase our window of tolerance, we build the capacity to stay with what’s real—without leaving ourselves:

Presence also restores equanimity by putting us in the witness seat:

Our nervous system might be in collapse—and we can watch that while feeling dignified as a person.

Our ego might be posturing—and we can humble accept our humanity.

​Equanimity becomes the quality from which we relate to it all.

Let me tell you a secret which is hard to believe unless you've experienced it:

There are hidden shortcuts to equanimity available in any state.

If you're in posture or collapse, connect to what drives them:

The wish to stay safe, loved, alive. To wish to stay in relationship to others.

Just like all emotions are love in disguise, posture and collapse are equanimity in disguise. They are acts of caring for ourselves and others.

Practical Examples

What Equanimity Looks Like In Conversation

Dignity: “I speak what’s true for me.”

Humility: “I don’t blame you for my own feelings, and I’m open to your perspective.”

Dignity: “I set a boundary.”

Humility: “I care how the other person feels about what I just communicated.”

This is the art of staying connected in tension. To make both of these true in the way you approach the conversation.

But what if you show up with humility & dignity but the other doesn't?

There's the rub for most people.

However, humility means not demanding they show up the same way as you. It means accepting that other people might not have access to the degree of equanimity you do in that moment, just as you sometimes don't.

Dignity means recognizing what you need in the conversation. Sometimes, that means walking away because you don't want to engage with them in that state.

Equanimity can be recognizing that you are the only one with the capacity for these qualities right now, and gently leading the way by example.

Dating

Which of these states we are in determines how we show up in our dating life, and as a result, often decides how the connection plays out.

​Here's a twitter post where I map different dating attitudes to these states.​

Drama Triangles

If you're stuck in a drama triangle, restoring equanimity can break the cycle.

The victim role is an expression the nervous system is in collapse.

The rescuer & persecutor roles are posture—protective states masked as control or righteousness.

(If you don't know what drama triangles are, read "Moving From Drama to Mutual Empowerment" next.)

Equanimity vs. Fucks Given

In my article "The Subtle Art of Giving a Conscious Fuck", I semi-jokingly mapped Mark Manson's maxim to David Hawkins' scale of consciousness to show that not all fucks are given equally:

If you look at the scale above, you can see that from shame until courage, our attitude alternates between posture & collapse.

In fact, courage can be seen as the key pivotal point where our posturing actually paves the way to dignity.

But it isn't until we feel neutrality that humility comes into play, and our dignity only fully maturs at the level of willingness.

Acceptance and reason are states in which we start to develop wisdom, because we can hold both perspectives.

And love is where equanimity starts.

This is why I believe that Authentic Relating is, in a sense, mystical work too.

Most people I work with for a long time seem to go through this arc:

1) Deeper self-connection.

2) Deeper connection with others.

3) Ability to resolve conflicts and navigate social tension.

4) Learning to let magical moments emerge between people.

5) Reverence for the mystery of life.

One of the reasons it works that way is that the way we show up in one relationship is the way we show up in all of them, often unknowingly.

When I go through a period where I notice I'm in collapse or posture towards my partner, or friends, it's usually a sign that I show up the same way towards myself, my work, my feelings, life, and anything else...which is why it's so helpful to have a dedicated practice space for how we relate.

If you would like to get really good at this, you can join The Connection Dojo, which has 2-3 online practice sessions a week with dedicated exercises (doors close once 8 people have joined).

Just reply to this email with "I'm in!" and I'll send you all the details.

Much love,

Pep

P.S. This was the first email in a series of at least 6-7 on this topic.

In the next one, I'll talk a bit more about how this framework relates to your posture and the way you move your body + how you can use that!